Directed by: Anton Cropper  |  Written by: Rick Eid

Official synopsis: After Duncan discovers Sandrine’s betrayal, he decides to use her to save Nina and Sawyer.

To sum up the genius of Hostages, I give you Duncan Carlisle: “This thing has gotten out of control. It was supposed to be easy, 24-hours, in and out, nobody gets hurt. Obviously that didn’t work out… ” I know, right? It’s as if you can’t get a dozen or so of your closest acquaintances together to covertly assassinate the President without people getting all complicated and backstabby about the whole thing. The good news is, the ugliness of Hostages is behind us forever.

It’s the season finale of Hostages-but we still haven’t gotten the definitive word that we won’t be subjected to another season. CBS hasn’t said much-but given that they called this show “gripping” and “brilliant” it’s not as if we can believe anything they say. After a whole season of bad liars, inept sneaking around, adultery, unnecessary violence, and occasional inconsequential deaths-Hostages is poised to kill off absolutely everyone. But do they? No. It seems that they might not even know if they’re done with these characters.

When “Suspicious Minds” begins, Nina and Soy Soy had been kidnapped by Col Blair, who had recently been double crossed by the President’s sister-in-law, who is getting the POTUS back about some crap with her brother. Sandrine (Latina Girl) has been exposed as the liar she is, so Archer totally wants to kill her. Archer, it seems, is also a close friend of Duncan-which begs the question-why is Duncan constantly lying to him? Brian and Morgan are skipping town, and Ellen thinks she might want to consider contemplating a divorce. As usual though, she’s not sure of anything-not really. Despite most of these people being cut up, shot, and/or badly beaten this season, they all look pretty good.

On the road, Morgan confronts Brian about his extramarital affair. Some people just don’t care for small talk, I guess. It’s odd because she doesn’t seem to have feelings about her dad being a cheater and a liar. But then, her Baby Daddy was murdered in front of her and she took that with a grain of salt. Sandrine is in the dog house, but when isn’t she? Kramer is pulling for her to live, but since I haven’t been able to care about any of these people, I cannot concur.

Duncan and Kramer go to find Col Blair and rescue Duncan’s kidnapped wife and child. Being meticulous planners, their plan is to just bust in and grab her. Genius! They barely case the place-so of course they end up in a standoff with guys who don’t even know who they are. Surprise! Sandrine saves them and they somehow manage to leave without Nina and Soy Soy. Sandrine then lets Duncan and Kramer know that she knows they know she’s a traitor. Duncan and Kramer then learn about Vanessa, and confront her immediately-guns blazin’. Vanessa sells out her lover, Col Blair, again. She also tells Duncan that there’s a double cross and they’re gonna try to kill him. Wow, she must write for “Duh” Magazine.

As “Suspicious Minds” ends, Duncan decides that he, Kramer, and Sandrine are gonna kill Col Blair. Meanwhile, Morgan explains to Brian that his affair didn’t bother her. Gross. I guess they’ll all be better off after the divorce. Anyway, they reach the safe house where Jake already is. Archer is there, and he’s pissed. He lets the family know that they’re being held there until the President is dead. So we’re basically right back to where we were in Episode 1, only at a different location. Seems like I could have skipped twelve episodes of nonsense and not missed anything important. ** hits self on head V-8 style **